Hey guys. I am posting this draft as a google doc. Anyone can edit the document but please don't just delete things or I won't notice you did that, also make all comments with a different color of text please so they are easy to find. Some questions I have are: does the intro sound too cheesy? Does my argument make sense and is it cohesive or does it sound too superficial? I am still planning on putting a opposing viewpoint part in the conclusion paragraph or its own paragraph before it. Any comments would be GREATLY appreciated. (I realize that I did not put the citations at the bottom but I am going to work out the citations and formatting tomorrow)
Here's the LINK
Thanks
First way to use a google doc, much easier to read.
ReplyDeleteI think your intro is an admirable attempt at interesting narrative and could be a good attention grabber if you clean it up some. You have several awkward sentences in the paragraph that are fairly distracting.
You carry on a conversational and almost colloquial style, make sure that is really how you want to present yourself.
Also some of your sentences seem like distinct thoughts thrown together with little flow between them. If you enable editing people could point out specific problem areas
I think it is editable. i'll check and make sure. thanks for the comments alicia.
ReplyDelete